I Fought The Law And I Won!

Had a favorite swimming hole in WV that I found out was going to disappear, land was being purchased by a logging company and would become private property no trespassing, plus they would cut down all the trees and it would soon become an ugly place. So I took a day off work and went to drive out there before it happened to enjoy the place one more time. Got pulled over for speeding in west bumfuck MD. Then the MD State Trooper surprised me by telling me that my license was suspended, for an unpaid ticket, and he was going to have to arrest me and take me to jail for driving without a license. What?? Officer, I paid that ticket! I paid it weeks ago! I swear! (seriously I had, I'd sent in a check like two weeks earlier, and had no notice of any license suspension) MD State Trooper decided not to take me in, told me to turn around and go straight home and not drive again until I straightened things out, wrote me tickets and said I'd have a court date, etc etc etc.

So much later that day, after a wonderful day at the ol swimming hole, I return home to discover a few things. One, a letter in that days mail telling me my license was suspended for not paying the old ticket. Two, my bank record showing that the check I wrote to pay that old ticket two weeks ago had just been processed that day. Three, that the penalty for driving without a license, which I would be going to court for, was punishable by up to a $1000 fine and a month in jail. So I had mailed in my payment, they sat on my payment for two weeks without processing it, suspended my license, I got pulled over and busted for driving on a suspended, then later that day my payment was processed and my suspension was lifted. Fuck me, right?

The day of my court date rolls around, I take another day off work to drive to the bumfuck MD courthouse. Never been to court before, am scared. Wore my best suit, read all the guidelines about how I should be quiet and respectful in the courtroom. No reading the newspaper, no eating or drinking, no listening to music on headphones, etc etc. I'm stressed out that I am going to get heavy fines or jail time, that I'm going to lose my job over this. Those of you who have faced serious charges in court must be laughing at me, but I'd never been through anything like this before and I was scared! Judge was serious, reprimanded a guy for reading the paper, scolded another for showing up in dirty jeans and tshirt. I'm sitting there through all the cases being heard before mine with the judge handing out fines and jail time to everyone convinced I am in deep shit. This one drunk driving case, the guys lawyer for his defense says how his client works at a bar, and how having a couple drinks at the end of the night then driving home is just part of the job, so that is why his client should be found not guilty. When the lawyer says this I jerk my head to look at the lawyer with a WTF look, can't believe he thought that was a valid defense. The judge sees me do this. My case comes up, I am brought up to stand before the judge. Judge calls the MD state trooper to the bench. I hear him ask the trooper the dealio, trooper says speeding and driving on suspended, that I claimed to not know it was suspended. Judge asks the trooper if I had paid the speeding ticket, the old ticket, if license was now valid. Trooper says yes, yes, yes. Judge bangs his gavel and declares "case dismissed". I hadn't even been asked a question, hadn't spoken a word, I'm standing there like what? what happened? no fine no jail I'm okay what? Judge looks at me and says "you are free to go" and gives me the shoo shoo motion with his hand. All the bumfuck MD dudes in the courtroom were all like "whoa"! On my way out one of them asked me if I would be his lawyer.

I've always thought that the judge seeing me give that lawyer a WTF? look when he tried to defend his client by saying he should be let off because drunk driving was just part of the job for bartenders is what got my case dismissed.

Half of all Terrorist Traffic Stops and tickets I've ever had were dismissed.

Every single Ticket i've ever gotten traffic wise has been a non moving violation. Pulled over 10 times, 0 were ever for speeding.

The first time I was pulled over it was for taking a left tuen on a street 5 minutes before 6 O clock when your officially allowed to take the turn.

Sick of these piece of shit welfare recipient yes men, keep on pushing my fucking buttons.

/

My biggest win was getting off scot-free from a DWI that I got about 3 weeks after starting college in Missouri in a town of 3k. This town had 2 lawyers, with maybe 5 total in the whole county. One of them was the county prosecutor, so I had to go with the other guy that turned about to be a 76 year old dinosaur with the most magnificent eyebrows. Anywho, I never had to go to court, and when he called to tell me the charges were dropped, I asked him how much I owed. It went from a good day to a great day when he told me it was on the house, explaining that he was a member of the same fraternity as me.

Interesting side note - I blew a .11 three weeks after the law in Missouri dropped the limit from .13 to .10.

Had to be Allegheny. I wore an ill fitting suit on my way to getting a DWI dismissed on lack of evidence and some dude asked me if I was his lawyer. I was 21.

back in the day i had an excellent lawyer. he could make stuff go away if you had enough loot.
i used him lots.. mostly traffic shit. i got pulled over alot

yeah but it was outside an UM show that they didn't appear to happy about.  And we were from out of town and I sold rocks for a living...  We paid the tickets through the mail they were $100 each.  Mad town is cool for Wisco.  My wife is from the Rhinelander area which is Oneida county.  Oneida  cty had a write up in High Times a few years back that they have the worste weed in the country and some private entity within the county pays for near constant aerial grow patrols in summer.  Her parents were carettakers of a huge piece of property up there, I'm thinking it is their former bosses that pay for the patrols.  Part of her parents retirement package was they can stay in the caretakers house forever.  I catch huge hog bass in the lakes on that property.

I gave my neighbors gf a ride to the probation office.... the chick has this giant leather bag/purse thing with her that she had put a few hygiene items and some underwear and stuff in case they arrested her (girls get treated a bit different) plus all the regular purse crap. Her ID etc. She says she's gonna leave it in the car because she doesn't REALLY think she's going, but if so, drop it off at the jail. Whatever. No big deal. Plus I get it. She didn't want to walk into the PO's office with her packed bag.

And then she doesn't come out. I wait. And I wait.

Finally I go to see the deal and they won't tell me shit even though I've been parked directly in front of the office for two hours. They must have hustled her out the back?

So of course I go down to the jail. They have to buzz you in blah blah blah. I go to the counter and explain the deal. Dude asks for MY ID? I say HER ID is in the bag and shit is starting to get tense because I can see what's getting ready to happen. About that same moment they buzz the door to let a young lady in and I bolted! My car is right outside the door and I fired it up and screamed away. From WAY up the road I can see cop cars circling the block and starting to fan out! WTF just happened? I get away. End of story, I hope.

Well no.

About a year later I get pulled over on some BS stop and I have a felony warrant for 'delivery of a controlled substance to a correctional facility'. This dumb cunt had ALL KINDS of stuff in that bag. I was totally set up and it was gonna stick. I bonded out and all that, but the prosecutor was standing firm. Take a plea and go to prison (!) or go to trial. So we went to trial. My angle was that they had to prove that I KNOWINGLY committed a crime. Right? I was having serious anxiety about this shit. I don't mind taking the heat when I did it, but this case was complete bullshit. I gave a gal a ride and end up in prison?

The first day of the trial. I can tell something is strange. Too many people at the courthouse, I had been there a few times already doing all the things you do before the trial actually starts. It was kinda festive?
I hadn't seen the news for a few days, but a Highway Patrol lab tech had been convicted of tampering with evidence and 2,000 cases from all over the state were being dismissed, people were being let out of jails and prisons, probations were being cancelled.

My bullshit case was among those cases.

Fucking assholes.

Interesting.  So you believe that you are smarter and better than the police with their unlimited budget and dedicated personal?  Interesting.

I jay-walk all the time.
I like to live dangerously.

Sometimes when I buy tea at the quick stop I put two teabags in one cup.
Fuck the man!